Guy Fieri’s response to a now-viral review in the New York Times that ripped his new Times Square theme joint to shreds (as a failure even within the hideously unpalatable chain-food genre) was incredulous and displeased, but a superfan of the celeb chef has white knighted the Diners Drive-Ins And Dives host on Craigslist.
Guy Fieri’s response on TV was probably, it is safe to say, held back a bit from what he really wanted to say to New York Times critic Pete Wells about the full-on assault launched in the paper of record’s esteemed and influential restaurant review pages.
And while we can perhaps safely say that the crossover between people who pay close heed to the Times’ endorsement of fine dining establishments and people who are willing to drink margaritas out of a bucket emblazoned with Fieri’s brand are part of a venn diagram with an exceedingly small crossover cohort, a panning in the Gray Lady’s books is never fantastic for a joint’s bottom line.
So while Guy Fieri’s response to the criticism was measured if displeased, superfan “Karl Welzein,” known on Twitter as @DadBoner, penned a more scathing response to the feud on Craigslist.
In a post titled “Guy’s Answers to Questions ‘Bout His ‘Rant in The NYC Newspaper,” “Welzein” lashed back in a series of point-by-points. Individual quoting would make contextualizing the responses difficult, so in an effort to simplify, we’ve posted the post in its entirety below — do you think Guy Fieri’s response was one he would have preferred to be a bit more emphatic, like this one?
Read a review on the computer this mornin’ when I was hidin’ in the john from the landlord again. Some New York fella named Peener Wells wrote ’bout my main man Guy Fieri’s NYC ‘rant in the paper. Man, he seems like a real load. Maybe even bigger than Doug Carlson? Who knows. Anyway, I bet the Bold Bad Boy’s too busy with important crap to respond to all the questions this assclown can’t seem to figure out the answers to, so I figured I’d give him the info on behalf of Guy. I might be helpin’ Guy out with the restaurant anyway, so I figure I should be responsible.
GUY FIERI, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Probably not. Bet Guy’s too busy with babes to just sit around eatin’ grub all day. Also, he’s gotta be workin’ hard in the kitchen, like a real macho man. You wouldn’t know about that though. Some folks don’t get to go out to eat for a living, corncob.
Did it live up to your expectations?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: See the last answer. But I’m sure Guy would say it’s on point.
Did panic grip your soul as you stared into the whirling hypno wheel of the menu, where adjectives and nouns spin in a crazy vortex?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: What the crap does that even mean? No one likes a showoff tryin’ to be smart with fancy words and playin’ mind games, you guys.
When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Bet it did. ‘Cause that hamburg sounds off the chain with bold flavors and primo satisfaction. Guy probably went bonkers.
Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table? Were the “bourbon butter crunch chips” missing from your Almond Joy cocktail, too? Was your deep-fried “boulder” of ice cream the size of a standard scoop?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Guy could probably tell you weren’t all man and couldn’t handle the full strength versions or the generous portions, so you got the “jr.” servings. You should thank him for the kindness of not makin’ you look like a wuss in front of your pals when you couldn’t finish your serving.
What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: (d) See the last answer, young man. Maybe if you learn to pull up your britches and walk in with mad swag, Guy won’t hesitate to sling you an official “Big Bite” style Caes’.
Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are? If you hadn’t come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Oh, so sorry it wasn’t up to your pretty princess standards. Bet your palate ain’t used to eatin’ nothin’ that don’t come served with a side of pink panties. And is “chewy air” a term you learned in reviewer school? Jeez. you’re bein’ such a stupid load. “Chewy air” isn’t a taste, and don’t make any sense at all. You need to do more thinkin’ with your brain.
Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Emily Dickinson? Whoa, look at Mr. Writer of the Year tryin’ to showboat to the ladies with some sensitive seduction. No one’s impressed. No one cares.
When you have a second, Mr. Fieri, would you see what happened to the black bean and roasted squash soup we ordered?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Why don’t you check on it yourself, nosey? So lazy. Guy’s too busy comin’ up with a thousand ideas you wish you could think of in a million years to worry ’bout some soup you probably don’t want anyway.
Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Sounds like you can’t handle a REAL drink, bad boy style. Just stick to diet root beer and go sit at the kids’ table if you’re gonna complain, young man. All the grown ups are just fine with the Dubmelon ‘Rita, thank you very much.
At your five Johnny Garlic’s restaurants in California, if servers arrive with main courses and find that the appetizers haven’t been cleared yet, do they try to find space for the new plates next to the dirty ones? Or does that just happen in Times Square, where people are used to crowding?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Nothin’ wrong with some piled up dirty dishes. Lets everyone know how much you took down in the eats department. Babes dig a man who can really put it away, you guys.
If a customer shows up with a reservation at one of your two Tex Wasabi’s outlets, and the rest of the party has already been seated, does the host say, “Why don’t you have a look around and see if you can find them?” and point in the general direction of about 200 seats?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Yeah, like Guy would know. He doesn’t work by the door like some hostess gal. Guy’s the head chef and CEO. Idiot. He’s in the back, runnin’ the show. Don’t you know how business works?
What is going on at this new restaurant of yours, really?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Bold flavors?!!! Man, you didn’t do any research on Guy’s ‘rant at all? Good luck in the review biz, nutsack.
Has anyone ever told you that your high-wattage passion for no-collar American food makes you television’s answer to Calvin Trillin if Mr. Trillin bleached his hair, drove a Camaro and drank Boozy Creamsicles? When you cruise around the country for your show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” rasping out slangy odes to the unfancy places where Americans like to get down and greasy, do you really mean it?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Man, you’re just makin’ word crap outta your backdoor again. And you should watch your mouth when you’re talkin’ ’bout “Americans.” This is the USA, kimosabe. You don’t wanna run into somebody like Stone Cold Steve Austin or myself and get your face crushed in behind the scenes. These colors don’t run. And who’s Calvin Trillin? Some made up guy you use to sound like you have friends? No one’s buyin’ your imaginary pals, crybaby.
Or is it all an act? Is that why the kind of cooking you celebrate on television is treated with so little respect at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Somebody’s sure talkin’ a lot of trash for somebody who thinks they’re Dr. Expert on “respect.”
How, for example, did Rhode Island’s supremely unhealthy and awesomely good fried calamari — dressed with garlic butter and pickled hot peppers — end up in your restaurant as a plate of pale, unsalted squid rings next to a dish of sweet mayonnaise with a distant rumor of spice?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Nobody asked YOU how to make it, amigo. Guy’s doin’ things, his own way. When YOU open up a 5 star ‘rant in NYC, then YOU can make your fancy Rhode Island grub any way YOU like it, bigshot.
How did Louisiana’s blackened, Cajun-spiced treatment turn into the ghostly nubs of unblackened, unspiced white meat in your Cajun Chicken Alfredo?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Alfredo sauce is white. White sauce covers up the black parts. It’s pretty much Cookin’ 101. You should take some lessons from Guy about how food works before you start tryin’ to open your corncob trap about it. Jeez.
How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeños instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: What’d I already say ’bout usin’ the word, “American,” friend? Gettin’ pretty steamed over here.
By the way, would you let our server know that when we asked for chai, he brought us a cup of hot water?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Who orders whatever “chai” is? What a showoff. No one knows what that is anyway. Might only be “hot water?” No one knows for sure. Next time, just order a cold one like a grown man, not some Southern pretty boy livin’ the “good life” with his backyard boy pals in hipster trash Ann Arbor. So stupid.
When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Listen buddy, you’re the only one around here playin’ women’s mind games. Sign means what it says. Maybe you should read it again.
Does this make it sound as if everything at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar is inedible? I didn’t say that, did I?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: See, women’s mind games. Answerin’ your own questions with questions? That’s some crap my ex-wife Ann would pull all the time. We’re not together anymore. Things just didn’t work out. She was always bringin’ me down. Plus, she was real cold in the carnal passions department. Not by any fault of my own. When it comes to romantic pleasures, I’m built to satisfy, 365, 24/7. Open on Sundays.
Tell me, though, why does your kitchen sabotage even its more appealing main courses with ruinous sides and sauces? Why stifle a pretty good bison meatloaf in a sugary brown glaze with no undertow of acid or spice? Why send a serviceable herb-stuffed rotisserie chicken to the table in the company of your insipid Rice-a-Roni variant?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Look, King Friday, I don’t have time to look up whatever you’re talkin’ about in a thesaurus every five seconds when you decide to act better than everyone with your Shakespeare talk. Sorry the meatloaf and chicken ain’t up to the royal standards, your highness.
Why undermine a big fist of slow-roasted pork shank, which might fly in many downtown restaurants if the General Tso’s-style sauce were a notch less sweet, with randomly shaped scraps of carrot that combine a tough, nearly raw crunch with the deadened, overcooked taste of school cafeteria vegetables?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: “Doust thou not like the pig flavors from the northeast when melded with the sour sweet natural blessings of veggies from blah, blah, blah.” That’s you. So stupid. So boring, you guys. So. Boring. What a piece of garbage.
Is this how you roll in Flavor Town?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: This just sounds like some more smart mouth talk. No need for that, young man.
Somewhere within the yawning, three-level interior of Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, is there a long refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries, already limp and oil-sogged, are also served cold?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Man, so stupid. Somebody needs to learn how restaurants work. There ain’t nosuch thing as “fridge tunnels” in ‘rants.
What accounts for the vast difference between the Donkey Sauce recipe you’ve published and the Donkey Sauce in your restaurant? Why has the hearty, rustic appeal of roasted-garlic mayonnaise been replaced by something that tastes like Miracle Whip with minced raw garlic?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Think you just answered your own question. ‘Cause both are equally off the chain, you guys.
And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Is this some sorta joke about donkey peeners? Sorry, Guy’s all about class. Keep your weirdo animal desires to yourself, kimosabe.
Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless baked alaska that droops and slumps and collapses while you eat it, or don’t eat it, supposed to be a representation in sugar and eggs of the experience of going insane?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Whoa. You ok?
Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: You thought a marshmallow tasted like fish? Did you take some hard drugs a few minutes ago? Kinda concerning.
Did you finish that blue drink?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Of course. Anyone down with Guy and the Triple D crew ALWAYS finishes their drink. It’s part of a sacred code of honor, you guys. Probably pound 6 or 7 more. Or maybe just have a few Crown & Diets. Who knows?
Oh, and we never got our Vegas fries; would you mind telling the kitchen that we don’t need them?
ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Then why’d you order ’em then?! “Bring my soup, don’t bring the fries, do this, do that, wipe my bottom, I’m better than you.” Corncob.
A: NO thanks, you piece of trash.
Captain Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA
P.S.- I’m kinda lookin’ for a job and have extensive skills in the grub biz. If you got any openings, I might be up for movin’ to NYC. Hit me up, P-Dubs.